“It’s a well-known fact that what we give our attention to grows and what we don’t give our attention to tends to fade away.”How to Make Your Dreams Come True – Mark Forster
What are your thoughts on this?
My dad used to say what what you think about will likely happen.
We tend to focus on the negative aspects of life. We do this for our protection. Negative things can harm us. So we’re constantly on the lookout. And we do need to protect ourselves from being harmed. But if we only focus on prevention from harm, we may miss the opportunities for growth, development and happiness.
Some examples I thought of:
- we talk in detail about a bad day at work but summarise a good day
- them: “How was your day?”
- me: “Yeah, good!”
- we look for what is wrong with a situation rather than looking for what is right
- our organisational reports generally identify error rates, not success rates
- we tend to coach faults/gaps in performance rather than build on strengths/achievements
- we complain about our lot in life rather than the benefits
- we never have enough money so we focus on our lack, not what we have
- we look how far we have to go rather than look at how far we’ve come
- we listen to the news which is commonly negative and depressing
If this is the case, we are missing an opportunity to focus on the positive. And if the initial quote is true, or at least beneficial, how might this play out in living the life we want?
This isn’t being Pollyanna – all butterflies and rainbows. It is, in fact, looking for information and examples in situation that are good and generally in any situation.
So, how would you like to think? By focussing on the lack, the gap, what you don’t have? How will that make you feel? How will your energy be?
Don’t try this at home: Spend the next 7 days highlighting all the gaps, problems and issues that you see … in detail!
Try this instead! I actually suggest you do the opposite. Spend the next 7 days looking at all the things you do have.
To do this I suggest the following:
- grab a notebook
- go in to each room of your house and where you work (might be the same place)
- write down all the things you have
- this isn’t Marie Kondo, they don’t have to bring you joy, just list them
- you may be amazed at what you have
- (you may also realise you have a bunch of stuff you no longer need!)
- do the same with relationships – this could be tricky if you’re in a tough situation
- same with finances – if you’re in debt, like we used to be, start making a plan to rectify that by focusing on what you want
Doing this exercise does not automatically resolve all our issues into a perfect life. It’s not magical. But it may help you realise how much you can be grateful for and what you can focus on.
As the quote says: “what we give our attention to grows”.
And may also help on taking some initial steps on improving some things.
I’m writing this on a perfect day in Perth, Western Australia. I’m outside on the patio. A galah is feeding from the bird feeder. The wife has just pruned the bushes this morning. There are kids a few houses over having a great time!
While I sit here, I am in to Day 6 of a 14 day quarantine. I have to stay home while the rest of the city is free as can be. I don’t like it and I don’t agree with the strategy. But, the peace and quiet, the ability to read and write is priceless. I’ll focus on that for a while!
(hat tip to Carole King)
You know those times when you’re facing a challenge and you wonder if you’re up to it? All you see is the challenge and little of the opportunity?
I had that a few years ago.
In 2007, I’d joined an Engineering Group as Head of Human Resources and, on day one, I was tasked with creating an emerging leaders learning retreat … in 6 weeks time.
It was possibly partly a test. It is a tough industry and they were looking to see what I could do. Could I do this? So much to do and organise and it was just me. No staff. No support. The PAs of the Execs didn’t know me so no favours were coming from that area.
I had to think about selecting the participants with some logic. My experience in Learning & Development required me to have learning outcomes, behavioural change and get the right people in the room.
I had to develop the program. Organise the guest speakers. Locate a venue with catering. Establish costings along with submissions for approval. Back and forth discussions with the COO and the CFO on “Why this?” and “Why that?” and “Can’t you do this cheaper?” (Good times!)
Plus, the other parts of the HR job in general. I was the first HR Manager at the time so everyone wanted a piece of me.
Remembering significant achievements can help you when you’re feeling flat, demotivated and useless. Hey, we all do at times. Have you ever been asked what your greatest achievements are and, in the moment, come up blank? Or maybe you just dismiss them? Yep, me too!
Here’s what I’ve started doing …
- Open up your note app of choice, in my case it’s Apple Notes, but feel free to use a physical notebook.
- Write down all the achievements you have been responsible for. Could be something you led or played a significant role in (work or personal).
- Think about the achievement and how you “felt”. Make sure to write down how you felt at the time. If you can, bask in that glory for a minute, and re-live the emotion. Emotions are great motivators!
- Write that down next to the achievement. “I changed “x” to “y” and it was bloody hard work but in that moment I felt on top of the world!”
- Keep it visible. If you use something like Apple Notes, you can pin that to the top of your notes so it’s always there to see and re-read!
- If you use a physical notebook, place a tab on the page (pages
) so you can refer to it when you need to.
- When you’re having a tough day or simply faced with a challenge, take 5 minutes to review these achievements, feel the emotion and gratitude you had at the time. Feel “on top of the world again!”
- You did it then, you can do it now!
Outcome: The Emerging Leaders Workshop
Over 3 days, we had 20+ emerging leaders on the program. They had come from all over Australia, Vietnam and Dubai.
We walked them through a business case study and allowed them to interact with each other, challenge each other and develop plans to become better.
We developed some business “truths” and created stronger relationships between the offices and the various engineering disciplines.
I think the CFO and COO were mildly stunned I had pulled it off and were very happy with the outcomes.
That experience is one I remember when faced with a challenge today. I’ve done it before, I can do it again. Even writing this out has been beneficial.
Maybe there is a Step 9!
Do you have an inner critic that you’re tired of listening to?
If someone else spoke to you the way you speak to you, would you put up with it?
Here’s “Thing 1” …
While you’re berating yourself …
- others have full confidence in you
- you provide encouragement, support and confidence to others (who also have an inner critic!)
- when others fail or falter, what do you do? You’re quick to pick them up, I bet!
Maybe some self care is in order.
Here’s what you can do:
- Pause/breathe – think about what you’re about to say to yourself
- Respond – don’t react
- Define what you do want – what does ‘good’ look like?
- Next time … what could you do next time this happens. Write it down if you can, it helps with imprinting and reinforcement
- Affirm what you’re wanting to achieve – write an effective affirmation (more on this coming soon)
Here’s “Thing 2” …
- Think about what you were berating yourself about 12 months ago.
- Can’t do it, can you?
- This too will pass, grab any learning you can, let it go and move to the ‘good’
Want an example?
Meeting 1: “God, that was a train wreck! I am hopeless at running meetings. I can’t control the participants. I can’t stick to the agenda. What an idiot!”
Meeting 2: [Pause/breathe] “Well that wasn’t ideal. Next time … I’ll be clear about the agenda and keep participants on track. I’ll allocate some time to plan better. Will see Jane about how she does it, she runs her meetings well.”
Affirmation: “I plan my meetings well and maintain control to achieve the outcomes we need.”
So there’s this thing called self efficacy.
“Self-efficacy refers to an individual’s belief in his or her capacity to execute behaviors necessary to produce specific performance attainments (Bandura, 1977, 1986, 1997). Self-efficacy reflects confidence in the ability to exert control over one’s own motivation, behavior, and social environment.” (Source)
There is another concept called self talk.
“Self-talk is our internal dialogue. It’s influenced by our subconscious mind, and it reveals our thoughts, beliefs, questions, and ideas.” (Source)
Most people talk negatively to themselves most of the time. If it’s not negative, then it is neutral, with little to no power to progress.
In order to make progress
We need to improve our self efficacy, the ability to cause something to happen. Otherwise we will remain waiting for something to happen. Waiting on others, or waiting for a windfall.
To improve our self efficacy we can look to improve our self talk. Note from the source above, it can be influenced by some deeply held beliefs we may need to challenge or at least question.
What do you hold to that may not be true?
We could be talking ourselves out of the very things we want to happen in our lives, career, relationships etc.
As Henry Ford said,
If you think you can, or think you can’t, you’re right!
What do you want to have happen?
How are you talking to yourself about it?