“It’s a well-known fact that what we give our attention to grows and what we don’t give our attention to tends to fade away.”How to Make Your Dreams Come True – Mark Forster
What are your thoughts on this?
My dad used to say what what you think about will likely happen.
We tend to focus on the negative aspects of life. We do this for our protection. Negative things can harm us. So we’re constantly on the lookout. And we do need to protect ourselves from being harmed. But if we only focus on prevention from harm, we may miss the opportunities for growth, development and happiness.
Some examples I thought of:
- we talk in detail about a bad day at work but summarise a good day
- them: “How was your day?”
- me: “Yeah, good!”
- we look for what is wrong with a situation rather than looking for what is right
- our organisational reports generally identify error rates, not success rates
- we tend to coach faults/gaps in performance rather than build on strengths/achievements
- we complain about our lot in life rather than the benefits
- we never have enough money so we focus on our lack, not what we have
- we look how far we have to go rather than look at how far we’ve come
- we listen to the news which is commonly negative and depressing
If this is the case, we are missing an opportunity to focus on the positive. And if the initial quote is true, or at least beneficial, how might this play out in living the life we want?
This isn’t being Pollyanna – all butterflies and rainbows. It is, in fact, looking for information and examples in situation that are good and generally in any situation.
So, how would you like to think? By focussing on the lack, the gap, what you don’t have? How will that make you feel? How will your energy be?
Don’t try this at home: Spend the next 7 days highlighting all the gaps, problems and issues that you see … in detail!
Try this instead! I actually suggest you do the opposite. Spend the next 7 days looking at all the things you do have.
To do this I suggest the following:
- grab a notebook
- go in to each room of your house and where you work (might be the same place)
- write down all the things you have
- this isn’t Marie Kondo, they don’t have to bring you joy, just list them
- you may be amazed at what you have
- (you may also realise you have a bunch of stuff you no longer need!)
- do the same with relationships – this could be tricky if you’re in a tough situation
- same with finances – if you’re in debt, like we used to be, start making a plan to rectify that by focusing on what you want
Doing this exercise does not automatically resolve all our issues into a perfect life. It’s not magical. But it may help you realise how much you can be grateful for and what you can focus on.
As the quote says: “what we give our attention to grows”.
And may also help on taking some initial steps on improving some things.
I’m writing this on a perfect day in Perth, Western Australia. I’m outside on the patio. A galah is feeding from the bird feeder. The wife has just pruned the bushes this morning. There are kids a few houses over having a great time!
While I sit here, I am in to Day 6 of a 14 day quarantine. I have to stay home while the rest of the city is free as can be. I don’t like it and I don’t agree with the strategy. But, the peace and quiet, the ability to read and write is priceless. I’ll focus on that for a while!
I’ve been working with a business group over the past few months. We start off each session with 3 things we are grateful for. It can be a challenge at times. Some people don’t know what to write. Some think it’s corny. Some draw a blank and feel like they may be failing. Others just don’t care for it. To be honest, I find it hard sometimes.
I’ve been thinking a little deeper into my my model of life: Bamboo SL. One thing that has been missed in the model is the influence of feelings and how they drive us toward or away from things. They are kind of there but need to be brought more to the surface so I’m working on that. Stay tuned.
On the subject of feelings, gratitude is part of that. I thought it would be useful, rather than to try to think of things from the top of my head, I’d start to document what I am grateful for. And to document from both the physical and non physical aspect.
Let me know what you think.
The image above is of one of our spare rooms. It is also the room our granddaughter sleeps in when she sleeps over.
The point is to illustrate how I am learning to have gratitude.
This is the spare room. I’m grateful we have the room because it means Alex can sleep over. Having Alex sleep over means we get to see her develop and have fun with her. She is a super articulate kid. She’s got a bit of cheek and quite often she’ll come out with words and phrases we don’t expect a kid of four to have learnt (Not cuss words, normal words like “Grandad, I am very frustrated at the moment!”) I’m grateful for that too.
The pictures on the wall have been created by my daughter and my sister. I love the paintings and am reminded how talented they are. Each time I see my daughter’s painting (on the left) I get a real sense of warmth and love for her. It’s a relatively simple painting but is also quite expressive and a joyful image.
The picture by my sister is also quite playful and bright. It’s a cheerful image for which I am also grateful. It’s also a but quirky, like my sister! 😉
The bedspread was made by my wife. She has created a few of these and they are projects in themselves. We actually bought a cabinet to store them all! It takes, patience and an eye for colour and coordination. It’s a work of art in itself. I am of no help at all but the kids get involved and it becomes a team effort.
Lastly, on the side table on the right hand side of the bed is a small drawing of boats. It’s by my grandmother, Portia Bennett, who was a well regarded artist in her day. I have a few of her paintings.
And so, from one room, I can highlight quite a few things I am grateful for. The physical items have meaning for me as do the people associated with them. There is a lot of talent in the family and also the fact that people will do things for others to help make life a little nicer. And they bring joy to me and those who receive them – if we’ll slow down and recognise that.
If you are struggling to find things to give gratitude for, can I suggest an exercise?
Go through each room and list the items in the room. Perhaps just list the items at first. Maybe in a notebook down the side a page. And then, over time or when the thought strikes you, write alongside the item what you are grateful for.
What does the item do for you? How does it, or what it does or maybe just infers, make you feel? Could you be grateful for that?
Let me know what you think.
Do you have an inner critic that you’re tired of listening to?
If someone else spoke to you the way you speak to you, would you put up with it?
Here’s “Thing 1” …
While you’re berating yourself …
- others have full confidence in you
- you provide encouragement, support and confidence to others (who also have an inner critic!)
- when others fail or falter, what do you do? You’re quick to pick them up, I bet!
Maybe some self care is in order.
Here’s what you can do:
- Pause/breathe – think about what you’re about to say to yourself
- Respond – don’t react
- Define what you do want – what does ‘good’ look like?
- Next time … what could you do next time this happens. Write it down if you can, it helps with imprinting and reinforcement
- Affirm what you’re wanting to achieve – write an effective affirmation (more on this coming soon)
Here’s “Thing 2” …
- Think about what you were berating yourself about 12 months ago.
- Can’t do it, can you? 😉
- This too will pass, grab any learning you can, let it go and move to the ‘good’
Want an example?
Meeting 1: “God, that was a train wreck! I am hopeless at running meetings. I can’t control the participants. I can’t stick to the agenda. What an idiot!”
Meeting 2: [Pause/breathe] “Well that wasn’t ideal. Next time … I’ll be clear about the agenda and keep participants on track. I’ll allocate some time to plan better. Will see Jane about how she does it, she runs her meetings well.”
Affirmation: “I plan my meetings well and maintain control to achieve the outcomes we need.”
So there’s this thing called self efficacy.
“Self-efficacy refers to an individual’s belief in his or her capacity to execute behaviors necessary to produce specific performance attainments (Bandura, 1977, 1986, 1997). Self-efficacy reflects confidence in the ability to exert control over one’s own motivation, behavior, and social environment.” (Source)
There is another concept called self talk.
“Self-talk is our internal dialogue. It’s influenced by our subconscious mind, and it reveals our thoughts, beliefs, questions, and ideas.” (Source)
Most people talk negatively to themselves most of the time. If it’s not negative, then it is neutral, with little to no power to progress.
In order to make progress
We need to improve our self efficacy, the ability to cause something to happen. Otherwise we will remain waiting for something to happen. Waiting on others, or waiting for a windfall.
To improve our self efficacy we can look to improve our self talk. Note from the source above, it can be influenced by some deeply held beliefs we may need to challenge or at least question.
What do you hold to that may not be true?
We could be talking ourselves out of the very things we want to happen in our lives, career, relationships etc.
As Henry Ford said,
If you think you can, or think you can’t, you’re right!
What do you want to have happen?
How are you talking to yourself about it?